Dear You,

     I know it’s unfair for me to expect you to know everything about me and how I feel, but sometimes, I do expect that of you.  Why don’t you see the pain beneath the smile?  Why don’t you hear the cries of my pained heart? Or is it that I have become so insecure that I just need the re-affirmation that only you can give to me?  Perhaps it is because I am now afraid of losing you.  Dear you, I pain because of you, yet I should not.  I know I cannot and should not be part and parcel of every single thing in your life, and yet, I have a need to be that for you.  Still, I am losing you.  Slowly but surely, I am losing you, and it hurts me so.  I wish I knew how to not feel this way, but that doesn’t stop me from actually feeling this way.  I guess that is what pains me.  I am not good enough for you.  Even if I were, you could never need me the way I need you.  I want to say so much to you, and yet I feel the need to hold so much back so as to not hurt you.  I am so conflicted and somehow just need to find a way to resolve this on my own.

That is why I am
Left Alone

Dear You,

     Did I ever write to you?  Hmm, I prolly meant to in my mind, at the very least.  Not really gonna go through my Letters to You right now to find out when all I want to do is write these thoughts down before they slip away, as thoughts tend to do, those fleeting nothings.  Every so often, I think about you.  I think about the big “what if” with you.  This is especially true because I made the choice of overall freedom over a chance with you.  What could have happened if we lived in the same city together?  But no, no, I traded that all.  I’m not saying that I regret my decision to come to San Diego, but I do wish that I’d have figured out if we could have been.  That way, it wouldn’t always be a “what if” game in my head when we’re both back home at the same time and hang out, when we talk, when you even cross my mind.  When you met me, it was most definitely not under ideal circumstances, but we tried to make the best of it.  I was still unsure about you, but the more we hung out, the more I really was happy to develop and share in friendship with you.  We’ve talked about so many topics from the everyday to the eternal.  I like that I can be so free around you, even though you may not always understand.  If I ever need you, and I have, I know that you will be there for me.  I truly appreciate that about you.  No, you’re not perfect; I’m not either, but you have accepted that about me, as I have about you.  I don’t know if you’ve ever thought about me the way I do about you, but I do know that I am not the only one who thinks that we could work out.  There are times when I must admit that I flirt.  I think maybe since you’ve placed me, for safety’s sake, in the “Friend Zone”, you don’t really return the favor, but every so often, you let that see the light of day.  I just read through our message thread to reminisce.  I recall getting to know you better throughout the time we’ve been acquainted.  Still, I get to know you better each time we hang out.  I wish you would see the good that I see in you rather than the bad that you see in yourself.  You’re really not that bad of a person; nobody’s perfect, but I would be willing to put your flaws aside, or at the very least accept them for making you you, and love you all the same.  You are an amazing and beautiful person, inside and out.  If only you could see yourself that way that I do.  Well, I guess I just wanted to write you a little note letting you know that I was thinking about you.  I don’t know..odd things happen late at night.  I wish my sleeping schedule were normalized again.  I wish I were as academically motivated as you are.  You are super smart.  Sighs.  I mean, you ARE going to one of the most prestigious schools in our nation.  I am too, but I’m just lucky to still be here.  Anyway, I should probably get back to doing my homework.

Until we meet again, and perhaps even past that, I remain
Speculative, Yet Hopeful

Dear You,

     What a shame I never wrote to you.  I guess it’s not because of how short-lived this whole episode was for me, but more that I was (and still am) taking a break from my blog.  The misfortune is more mine in that I will not be able to look back and find fond memories interwoven into my text.  But I gained so much from the time I spent (and continue to spend) with you.  How things took shape so quickly though..away from me.  However, from the beginning, I was warned.  That may also be another reason I am glad to be freed.  Still, as with others, I had wished we could have worked out.  But, of course, it was all in my head.  Have I matured though?  Did I constantly reassess things from a larger perspective?  I don’t know for sure.  But perhaps you helped me to do that as well.  Your maturity showed me constantly that there is so much more room for me to grow.  Not to lessen your impact in my life, but perhaps you, like the others, are put in my life to allow me to be strengthened and to learn.  Ehh..I wish I had written to you earlier, not in the state of mind that I am now.  Unfortunately, I cannot turn the clock back.  All I can do is thank you and hope that I will quickly be fully brought back.  I’m excited to be found in this state of mind again.  Hopefully you can rejoice with me.

As happy as I feel I would be with you, I find myself
Needing to Move Forward

(Source: vfung921)

Dear You,

I told myself I wouldn’t be doing this anymore, but I couldn’t hold it in, at least not for this. I guess I’ve lost. I already gave up before, but I now see that even if I were to have stayed, I still would have lost. I tried so hard, I really did. Sometimes I just need to realize that I don’t have control. I guess that’s something that you’ve taught me, so thank you. I’m grateful that at least for a little while, we were..something. I don’t know what, but something special. You’ve moved on, and I have too. It still saddens me to this day to think of what could have been. It saddens me to see all of that being manifest in someone else. You are happy, right? I guess that as long as you’re happy, I should be too, for you at least. I don’t know how much of this I can handle, honestly. It hurts, but that’s life. I just need to accept that. Though you don’t know any of this, I will still try my best to stay strong. I cannot allow myself to resort to my usual means to overcome, as I was only lying to myself, avoiding the root of the cause. I’m working on myself now, so hopefully I will be able to get over this soon. Will you still be here with me? I hope so. It’s such a shame that you’ll never know all of this.

I’m doing me now, so that I can be
Truly Me

(Source: vfung921)

Dear You,

It’s not really fair, you know? I feel like I’m always playing catch-up, as if I’m forever destined to be second place, to fall in your shadow. Granted, it’s not exactly as if you are purposely running ahead of me, but regardless, that is the fact. When we first met, I really thought that we hit it off very well. Then, with the passage of time, I got to know you better and, well..nobody’s perfect. There are certain areas in which we disagree and the thing is, you don’t even know how hurtful your personal convictions can be, especially when you are talking about certain subsets of people that I just so happen to fall under. Yet, again, I cannot blame you for your ignorance. I never took the opportunity to share my entire life story to you, and after getting to know you better, I decided it was best for me not to so as to save you the concern and to save me the grief. You..always seem to have it better than me, without even trying. Maybe it’s just that I’m trying too hard. Perhaps I haven’t yet found myself in the right circumstance and situation to be as fortunate and magnetizing as you. I almost want to give up, honestly. I feel like if I stop trying, then I’ll stop getting hurt. I should just concede to you. You win, congratulations. It’s not like I ever even had a fair chance. All I can do is move on: let go and move on. One day, I’ll find myself so lucky, hopefully. One day, everything will just fall into place for me. One day, it will happen for me too.

And on that day, I will be
Free to Be Me

(Source: vfung921)

Dear You,

If only I could tell you what I have so longed to tell you. In the midst of my despair, it only pains me to see your happiness. I wished for your happiness to be the source of mine, as my happiness were the source of yours. Alas, it is not so. Indeed, it seems to me as if we are strangers again. The sound of your voice is no longer in my ear. My heart still has vestiges of longing for you. What can I say to you? I had yearned for you for such a long time. Chance after chance I give you, but not one of them truly reached you. Why is it that I wanted for you? What made my heart pine day after day? Not even I myself know the reason. Because of you, I’m scared. I fear that my heart will yet again trick me into thinking what is only fantasy to be reality. I can’t deal with that over and over again. The heart can only be broken so many times before it is forever scarred beyond repair and is lost forever. I want to keep myself. I don’t want to be lost. I can’t do this.

I don’t know how much longer I can bear being
Hurt

(Source: vfung921)

Dear You,

     I can’t help but feel like I’m slowly falling.  I give and I give and I give.  But the source of this, where is it?  I feel it slowly slipping away from me.

     I saw your face in my mind’s eye again.  Well, really, it was a picture of you that sparked me to see your face in my mind.  I can’t help but wonder what it was that I did, or rather, didn’t do, to make you leave.  Perhaps it wasn’t ever about me.  Maybe it was always just about you.

     I’m happy, you know?  I’m actually happy with the situation that I find myself in.  The people that I am surrounded by day in and day out are an amazing support system.  I really feel love in their presence.  Why do I so easily get from them what I’ve yearned for from you?

     I saw another’s smile.  That smile that kept repeating itself throughout the night in both my eyes and my mind gave me a sense of security.  That security is one that I have longed for..from you.  But I guess I’ve found it in another.  What a shame that neither of you ever knew this.

     Arms.  No, not as in weaponry, though your arms could be made into weapons for my walls.  You have the right to bear them.  Bear them and batter my walls down as you’ve done all this time.

     Lost.  No, not as in the show, though I feel as if sometimes life is so dramatic it might as well be a TV show.  That’s what I am without you.  Without you, I don’t know where to reach out to.

     Me.  No, not as in the solfege mi, though things would be so much easier if song could just echo through the winds.  My spirit is at one with my song.  I lift them both up hoping for an answer.

     I guess I got my answer.  I’m happy for you, you know?  I wished that I’d be happy for us, but life doesn’t often turn up in my favor, at least not in this department.  I’ve been blessed in so many other areas, just not this one.  Is that perhaps the reason why I feel this one the most?  Or is it another reason that every little poke stings like a knife?  I know not what the answer is.  All I want is to share that part of me with another.  Maybe it could never have been you, but for a while, I thought that it could have been.  The answer may yet lie in another.

     Farewells are never happy occasions.  Instead of good-bye, why don’t we stay connected?  Though I may have felt like the one to give more than I’ve received, that is all in the past.  I leave the future the freedom to happen.

As I turn my face to the rising sun, I remain
Ever Hopeful 

(Source: vfung921)

Dear You,

     You’re lucky.  I don’t think anyone in their right mind will dislike you.  You are too likable without even trying.  How is it that you do that so naturally?  It’s like you just draw people to yourself.  Heck, you drew me in and now I’m hooked like you’re phonics.  I try my best to be a likable person, I really do.  But maybe the problem is that I try too hard sometimes, and then the opposite effect takes place.  I bet you more than anything people are just superficially nice and courteous to me but inside think much differently of me, like they find me annoying, overbearing, intolerable…the list could go on.  But you?  You don’t have to worry about any of that.  You just do you and the crowds of people come in.  What does it feel like to be liked so much?  Why is it that when I do me, people don’t come near?  Why is it that I am so radically different from everyone else that I become repulsive?  Even you noticed it.  I’ve tried to turn it in my favor, but I’m still struggling with that.  I want to be free as you are free.  I yearn to fully express the deepest feelings and desires in my heart without fear of judgement.  With you, I feel safe.  I can be me the way I am and you will never judge me or be repulsed by me, rather, you will welcome me with open arms and an compassionate heart.  I think that’s why you’re so likable: you have all these good characteristics about you that just shine through.  I strive towards those same characteristics, but you just do it all so naturally.  I don’t envy you, but I do wish I emulate those characteristics like you do.  You know, they say that if you just be you, then the right people who like you for you will be drawn to you and stay by your side.  Maybe I just haven’t found the right people yet.

Or maybe I am just
Under Construction 

(Source: vfung921)

Dear You,

     I don’t think you’d end up reading this, or any of these, for that matter.  To be honest, sometimes, I put these out there like a message in a bottle, hoping that you’ll be the one to open up this bottle and read the words that I write for you.  I doubt that you would read this message, or any of the other number of messages I write for you.  Regardless, I guess writing them is therapeutic for me, in some weird way.  I think that’s why I keep writing.

     I don’t know exactly how it is that I feel about you.  I tell myself time and time again to not fall for someone unless I know the answer to at least the first of the two inquiries.  I have yet to answer that question, and I have yet to let you know the answer to those two inquiries for myself, though I think you have for a long time already known the answer to the first.  I would think that it is blatantly obvious, and there are those around us that can back this up.  Regardless, I keep the second of two inquiries hidden from you, and yet, at the same time, not.

     My two co-primary love languages are constantly being stimulated by you.  That drives me crazy, in both a good and a bad way.  Admittedly, I do initiate the physical touch aspect, but I leave it to you or the group to initiate the quality time rather than just me.  I have before, and I am scared to do so.  I appreciate all the times that you have spent with me, whether in a small group or a more intimate setting.

     But perhaps it is my wording that makes me fall harder and deeper for you.  I make it all sound so ideal, so perfect.  ”Intimate” has quite heavy implications, and yet none of those hold true save for the fact that it is just the two of us.  Honestly speaking, I think that oftentimes, I fool myself into feeling this way.  If only you would explicitly affirm what it is that I feel, then I would not have this thought that I am a fool, but rather that I am just foolishly falling in the most beautiful way.

     From the moment I first laid eyes on you, I made it a point to get to know you.  Haha you probably didn’t know that, did you?  Well, now you know..or at least, now it’s out there.  I’ve put a lot of effort into reaching out to you and there are times when that yields such sweet fruit, but even though I won’t do anything about it, I am jealous.  My heart breaks a little bit whenever you choose to spend time away from me in exchange for time with others that, in my mind, you may perhaps fancy over me.  But I tell myself that it is your life and these are your choices, not mine.  It is not fair to exercise this type of..control over your life.  So I let you go.  Without a word, I let you go.  That is why when you choose me over the others, I am elated beyond comprehension.

     There is so much more that I want to write to you, but I fear that this may be too long and that you will eventually lose interest and stop reading.  So, for your sake, I will make this short: I think that from the moment I first laid eyes on you, I have been slowly but surely falling more and more for you.  I’ve tried to stop myself, but I can’t.  This uncertainty is killing me slowly from the inside out.  But I will not give up until I either succeed or you break my heart.

Can’t you see, then, that if you would wish it, I can be
Truly Yours 

(Source: vfung921)

[posted 17.32..7.5.12]

Dear You,

What is it about you that really gets to me? Is it your smile? Is it your laugh? Is it the way just hearing your voice in my ear, even for a little bit, makes me feel giddy, weak, and comforted, all at the same time? Is it your eyes? Is it your touch, soft and cool? Is it the way you shift your feet? Is it your genuine care and concern for others? Is it your yearning for community and friendship? Is it your humility, your shamefulness? Is it your honesty? Is it when you sing your songs? Is it when you make quick and witty remarks? Is it your playful exaggerations? Is it your inner struggles and weaknesses? Is it your shyness on the one hand and playfulness on the other? Is it the way that you try to overcome your insecurities? Is it the way that you understand what it is that I am going through, or at least try to? Is it your pout, and your pleas, and your “pleases”? Is it your repetitions? Is it the way that you communicate with me? Is it the way that you dress? Is it the way that you walk? Is it the way that you hold yourself up? Is it your inner confidence that you constantly feel the non-required need to boost? Is it your sense of humor? Is it your taste in music? Is it your openness and tolerance? Is it the way you view the world? Is it the quality time that you share with me, and me alone? Is it your “busyness” when you are needed? Is it your fears? Is it your emotions? Is it that you make me feel every shade of every emotion there is?

But, most importantly of all, is it that I have the doubt that you could ever be mine and I could ever be
Truly Yours

(Source: vfung921)