So..it’s been a while since I last wrote a tumblrfessionsesh.  Here’s something I’ve been wanting to post up here for a while, but never got around to doing it.  Back in early 2008, I wrote this one long, long, LONG poem.  I had invested a great deal of myself into it, and since I was so insistent on it being perfect, I decided to ask my close friends to proofread it for me.  They were happy to oblige..the first time around.  With every little change I made, whether it be a word substitution or a change of punctuation, I reprinted it out and had them re-read the entire poem to see if the flow changed at all.  I guess I was influenced by the notion that a perfect play cannot have anything added or taken away without it going to ruins.  I wanted to same for my poem as it was very special to me.  I wrote it for someone, but I never actually took the step to present it because a) I am too shy to do such a thing and b) that person found out about my romantic interest and decided that it just would not do and so decided to no longer associate with me for the rest of the school year.  We have since “reconciled”, if you will, and are still friends.  In any event, here is my love poem, “Confessions”.

(due to the length, I decided to put it after the page break..hehe =P)

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I miss singing in a choir, or even an ensemble, full of musically-trained people who are wholly devoted to the music and love every moment of it.  I miss being in an arts school.  I miss being surrounded by a gigantic pool of talent.  I miss being able to sing to my heart’s content.  I miss being able to write songs from the heart.  I miss being a true musician day in and day out.  I miss high school.  I miss SOTA.  I miss..so many things.  Maybe even too many things.

(Source: vfung921)

When I’m feeling down, I bring my spirits back up by telling myself, “You are a child of God and you are loved.”  I chant it aloud over and over like a mantra until the pain goes away.  When I’m done, and can stand back up on my own, I send up a little prayer of love and thanksgiving to God afterwards, and I feel all warm inside.  What great light and love is found in God.  Amen.

(Source: vfung921)

You wouldn’t know it, but my life was forever changed due to one decision a teacher made for me in the sixth grade.  Had I played the cello instead of the bass, I would not be the person I am today.

(Source: vfung921)

     I’ve never been in a relationship.  I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be in one.  Would I be a good boyfriend?  Would I be romantic?  Or would I just bore the socks off of my significant other?  Call me old-fashioned, but see, the thing with me is, when I look at potential future lovers, I don’t see us being together for just a few months, or even a few years, but rather, for life.  I guess I’m looking more for a lifelong partner?

     Problem is, in my desperation for companionship, probably due to my raging adolescent hormones (which I can’t really say anymore, since I’m no longer an adolescent), I don’t really take all the aspects of the person into consideration before I fall head over heels in like or love or infatuation or whatever it may be.  Sometimes, I feel like I fall in like/love/infatuation with the situation of being with someone, rather than that someone.  It’s sad, but I’m so desperate that with almost all of my friendships that I have made recently, I either liked that person a bit too much too fast, or really considered all their aspects to see if they were for me.

     But here’s the thing.  I’m still young.  I still have so much ahead of me, and I don’t know if I’m really mature enough to handle a REALationship.  My best friend says that I am, but it’s like..not 100% sure if I can trust her on that specific topic.

     They say that it is only when you are truly content and happy with yourself that you will find someone who is the same way, and then you will be happy together.  Also, that before going into a relationship, you should be friends with the person first, so that, in the event that anything ever happens, you still have something to fall back on, somewhere to land, rather than falling off a cliff into a deep, dark, endless abyss-like ravine.  I have to say that I really do believe these to be the case.  Unfortunately, in my desperation, I have ignored both of these multiple times, and have only ended up being hurt, badly.

     I’ve found that my happiness depends too much on others, and not enough on myself.  I’ve somewhat become dependent on others for my happiness.  That’s not to say that I’ve reached the point of addiction just yet, and I hope I don’t, but it seems like that’s the direction I’m currently facing.

     One day, when the time is right, when I least expect it, someone will come along and change my life in ways I never knew possible.  Yea, yea, call me a sap, a hopeless romantic, whatever you will, but I believe in fairytale/movie endings.  I’m just idealistic like that.  I mean, people call it idealism, but to me, it is realism.  I want someone to love me for my personality, because, let’s face it, I’m not much of a looker.  Eh, we’ll tackle my self-esteem issues in a future tumblrfessionsesh.

so, unfortunately, like most people nowadays, appearance is very important to me.  i am very self-conscious of my own appearance, so much so to the point where i look down every now and then just to see if i’m still presentable—even if i’m alone.

i almost always have a jacket on.  why?  simply put, i am ashamed of my body and jackets hide it.  i’m not lying.  see above.

in at least one of my pockets, unless i forget, there will be a folded up paper towel or two.  why?  i have this genetic thing where i sweat profusely.  ew, i know i hate that about myself.  i sweat the most from my face, and unfortunately, that’s also what most people are looking at, so it’s SUPER obvious. ugh.

lol another twofer..what you see above was actually the beginning of my original “random facts just because” post that i never posted up..so this is how it would have begun LOL. but instead, i decided to be a bit more genuine and spontaneous, and just put up whatever was on my mind for the past 5 tumblrfessionseshes..=P

i wore contacts for the first time in months today. true story. i forgot how convenient they are =] but the only thing that sucks is having to take them off at night/put them on in the morning. sometimes, i wish i had 20/20 vision..but never will i get lasik.

sometimes i don’t take the initiative because it boosts my morale knowing you want to talk to me, and that you make an effort to converse with me, or even just say hi to me..haha makes me feel loved..=T

oh, and btw, don’t think for a second i didn’t see you there. you caught my eye right at the end. i was like..oh no you don’t. don’t think you can hide from me. those eyelocks never leave my mind. haha i try to be slick about it, but it doesn’t always work. you made my day, fyi. thanks for that, really. =] every second is worth the effort. because, at least in my mind, i am happy and fulfilled for that second. and isn’t that all that matters in the end? those little moments of happiness and contentment that we feel..*sighs* i want to be able to share that with someone. od.sd.sds.mp.wc. =] just you wait.

p.s. sorry for being so secretive sometimes..it’s just how i am don’t mind my paranoia 0=]

i am a musician.  my instrument is my voice.  some people (even some musicians) don’t think that a vocalist is considered a musician.  i read the same exact music that you do, perform with just as much concentration as you do, and love music with the same passion that you do.  i am PROUD to be a musician; music is one of the most important things in my life.  sometimes, i wish that i could be a “pop” music singer rather than a classical musician..why?  because then it might be easier for me to be appreciated by my peers, it might be easier to get into the industry, it might be easier for me to share my talents.  but then again, i love being a classical musician.  i LOVE singing the music written hundreds of years ago.

and i absolutely ADORE latin.  i wish it weren’t a dead language.  even the catholic church, which kept latin alive for two thousand years, has decided to no longer emphasize the use of latin.  so who knows the true beauty of latin anymore?  it sounds so perfect, and singing in it gives me such joy! =]

still, i did indulge a bit into the modern music scene in my senior year of high school.  i went to an arts school (San Francisco School of the Arts, now called Ruth Asawa San Francisco School of the Arts, in memory of Ruth Asawa, whose dream was made manifest in the creation of SOTA), and went through all the music theory classes, even up through AP, by the end of junior year.  so, i was allowed to take an elective, and i chose to take songwriting over composition.  comp was just not my cup of tea.  songwriting tickled my fancy a bit more, for various reasons.

i miss those days.  i was such a prolific writer in the first half of the year!  then, for whatever reason, i lost that spark, and i’ve never really gained it back.  i feel that part of it was my lack of being able to play the piano and/or guitar.  if i had something to back myself up, a source of the beat and chords, then i would have continued my writing.  ever since, i’ve still wanted to write songs, but i have yet to churn out a good song.

i feel like i was a “one-hit wonder” with my first song.  it was such a wonderful feeling during my first songwriters’ night when i performed that song and EVERYONE in the room was singing along..omgahh i almost just teared up remembering that.  it’s such an indescribable feeling when people sing a song that you poured out yourself into.  thing is, i have no idea what that song means.  HAHA.  i wrote it before i even started songwriting class.  i wrote it during the summer btwn junior and senior year.  yea, i know, right?  how could i have written a song, but not know what it meant, at least to me?  i don’t know though.  i was inspired to write that song, and i did.  simple song made beautiful by my wonderful vocal jazz teacher, kathleen hollingsworth.  if only i could have played the piano for real..that would have made all the difference for ALL my songs.

so, this upcoming semester, i’m taking elementary classical guitar at school.  sure, it’s not like songwriting or anything, but i figure, if i start learning guitar now, i may be able to get back into that groove of songwriting.  i really miss it, a lot.  plus, i’ve always wanted to learn the guitar.  haha, i wish i had the time to correspond with this same enthusiasm and determination i once had for learning the piano.  i feel so bad now, cuz it’s like i wasted my teacher’s time and everything, cuz i never had time to practice.

sure, i caught on quickly, but that’s not the mark of a true musician.  a true musician practices all the time.  music is in every aspect of a musician’s life.  that being said, i may not be able, then, to consider myself a true musician even now.  i don’t practice all the time, like i should.  i use my voice everyday, true, but not as a musical instrument.  i don’t warm up daily like i should.  i don’t practice daily like i should.  i don’t study music everyday like i should.  i am such a bad student and a bad musician.

hopefully that will change.  i love music.  i live music.  music is essential to my very being.  i lift my voice up to the Almighty God.  i offer my life to God.  and although this is a tumblrfessionsesh, i will still end this in prayer.  i pray that i will be able to offer my voice for the salvation of all.

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, Your pardon, Lord;
Where there is discord, let me sow harmony;
Where there is error, let me bring truth;
Where there is doubt, let there be faith;
Where there is despair, let me bring hope;
Where there is darkness, let there be light;
Where there is sadness, let me bring joy.

O Divine Master,
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console,
To be understood, as to understand,
To be loved, as to love,
For it is in giving, that we receive,
And it is in forgetting, that we find,
And it is in pardoning, that we are pardoned,
And it is in dying, that we are born to Eternal Life.

i over-analyze things, a lot.  and i can be extremely picky sometimes.  like, for example, i’m not gonna post this tumbl until i’ve added it to my original draft of my “random things about me” post..yee

since i’m worried that somethings may or may not be what i want them to be, i think of many different possible way of interpreting the tiniest action.  oftentimes, i lead myself on to think that things are going better than they actually are, or really more in my favor.  sometimes, it is true, but how can i really know what someone else is thinking?  that’s not for me to know, only God knows.  i’m not saying i wanna be like God and read everyone’s mind, but it’d be nice to know what others are truly thinking sometimes..it’d make things a lot easier for me..i’m really not lying about the analyzing tho.  i really do it to the most random and smallest of signs, especially (it seems) to those done unintentionally, or with no special meaning behind them..

ok, you get another twofer this time..i forgot about my laundry, and i realized halway through the fourth or fifth sentence of this, so i went downstairs to get my laundry..then i folded all my clothes =] then i came back to my comp to finish this HAHA!!

wow, you get a three-fer this time..i recently got new clothes, including white tees and v-necks!! omgahh so comfyyy =]=]=] i LOVE v-necks now hehe